Well hello there, it's been awhile. The past week was a pretty nice week. Nope, I haven't gotten a job yet. Still searching, yes. The thing that bugs me so much is when my mum keeps nagging at me to go and find one instead of being so lazy. Well if you're reading this, mum, what makes you think I'm not finding a job? You know what, I HATE it when you say I'm lazy - because I'm NOT.
Damn, if there's one thing about her that I can say I truly resent, it's the fact that she's just so insensitive. She might not think she is, but the way she speaks and the words she uses, they just pierce through you and stab your heart - honest! It might be her nature to speak loudly, so everytime I tell her not to shout at me, she says she isn't. Then there's the kind of vocabulary she uses: Stupid, crazy, irresponsible, lazy, naive. There's still some other crude words she uses which I can't remember for now. Combine her shouting and her language, and you get the ultimate put down.
I can frankly tell you that I was brought up with harsh criticisms. Whether or not that has made me stronger, I don't know. But I do know that my heart is incredibly fragile and it still aches from all those put downs. I don't usually blog about my hurts and pains because I think it's unnecessary, but this time I thought I really needed an outlet so bare with me.
We've all heard that we shouldn't keep anger, guilt, and fear in us because when they fester inside, they eventually eat away at us. I've also learnt that when you keep these negative emotions in you, they manifest in the form of illnesses. For example, Cancer is a manifestation of anger and resentment, so as tumors and growths. Guilt causes pain that manifests illnesses such as Arthritis. Fear gives way to illnesses that antagonize the body, such as Eczema and Migraines.
After learning about the mental causes of illnesses, I earnestly want to get rid of any negative emotions I hold in my heart. It's not easy, that's for sure, especially when you've experienced deep hurt like me and the only way is to forgive the person who caused you the pain. There was a story about a woman whose son was murdered. When the reporter asked her if she could ever forgive her son's murderer, she said, "No, but I will leave it up to God because it's too much for me to handle."
You know, I don't know if I can ever forgive my mother, come to think of it now. It's almost impossible that I'm saying this but I do want to find a way to let go of all the hurt she has caused me. I guess all I want her to say is that she's sorry, and I believe I will be able to forgive her then. Something tells me that I've got to be the first to forgive, instead of waiting for the person to apologize. It seems unfair, huh, especially when you know it was the person's fault? Ahh, I can't say for sure now. I'll just have to leave it to God, then...
To all the people who are feeling hurt right now, please know that you're not alone. Give up your hurt to God. Surrender it. Know that it's useless to hold on to anger because it harms you instead of the person you are angry at. Life is too short to feel pain, so let's not waste any more time, shall we?
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